Rocking your own cradle

Nikolai Astrup, Interior with Cradle, probably 1925Everyone has had those moments in life where you wanted to go back and erase or change things.  Though you may not be able to physically do this (yet…but I’m sure science is working hard) you can go back and adjust things in your mind.

I recently had one of those aha moments where you say, this is not the life I was meant to have because the energies or emotions goes against everything that you feel in your core being.  When following the thread of my own life backwards, I can say that mine was from infancy.  The energy of being a baby that was loved, adored and given the vision of hope for a good life was just not there.  Often my siblings and I would recall very happy stories of our childhood, very happy indeed. And then there were those that were not so happy; that were quite life altering really.  It was in those moments that changes took place.  Those moments that planted an aura, a film of skin if you will atop my own that had me go through life in a very different way then what was intended.

I decided right there – in that new realized moment that I would change it.  And so I took a journey. Not through a time machine, but a mind machine.  I used the memories of my mind and recreated a very keen scene I selected with great care – and I changed it.  The adult me stepped into this memory, picked up the infant me in this memory and offered love, encouragement, whispered words of strength and blessings. I envisioned these words to be like the spells from fairy god-mothers of yore, whispered down onto the heads of their innocent charges. I held the infant child of myself and spun a new tale for her to believe.

These words would have no power over my past and what has been done but, it does have the magick to take away the power my past has over me.  From this new memory I can build up my new days with a memory of encouragement, hope, strength and profound love.

I was blessed to feel and offer this to my own sons as they were being raised.  Holding both or one or the other in my arms and whispering all of the joys I hope they get to experience one day. Love, a new job, a home of their own, travel, adventure and all of this in whatever manner that makes them the happiest.  I feel blessed to have my sons, and they continue to be a source of pride and joy even now when they are men.

My mother was truly overwhelmed by the time I came along.  I am the fourth child of seven, raised in a lower class family.  My parents had only just moved us all into the house I was to have as my childhood home, so there was tons of unpacking and such that needed to be done as well, and my father worked and worked and worked to pay for the simple things we had in our lives.   I’m sure she [mom] had very high aspirations at one time for all of us but those words were never shared with me if so.  In that vision I also took the time to see my mom for the woman she was at that time.  Tired, overwrought with emotion, overworked at home, inundated with the constant noise and movement of 3 ambulatory children and my preemie newborn self.  Her own mother offered nothing of assistance, but if she did it must have barely made a dent in the time my mom needed to regroup her own spirit.  And in that scene I offered my mom peace. In my last moments before I left, I put the sleeping baby in the crib, step over to my mom and her tired eyes and hug this woman who so desperately wants only to sleep.  It’s ok mom, sleep.  I got this now.

~In memory of my mom