Rocking your own cradle

Nikolai Astrup, Interior with Cradle, probably 1925Everyone has had those moments in life where you wanted to go back and erase or change things.  Though you may not be able to physically do this (yet…but I’m sure science is working hard) you can go back and adjust things in your mind.

I recently had one of those aha moments where you say, this is not the life I was meant to have because the energies or emotions goes against everything that you feel in your core being.  When following the thread of my own life backwards, I can say that mine was from infancy.  The energy of being a baby that was loved, adored and given the vision of hope for a good life was just not there.  Often my siblings and I would recall very happy stories of our childhood, very happy indeed. And then there were those that were not so happy; that were quite life altering really.  It was in those moments that changes took place.  Those moments that planted an aura, a film of skin if you will atop my own that had me go through life in a very different way then what was intended.

I decided right there – in that new realized moment that I would change it.  And so I took a journey. Not through a time machine, but a mind machine.  I used the memories of my mind and recreated a very keen scene I selected with great care – and I changed it.  The adult me stepped into this memory, picked up the infant me in this memory and offered love, encouragement, whispered words of strength and blessings. I envisioned these words to be like the spells from fairy god-mothers of yore, whispered down onto the heads of their innocent charges. I held the infant child of myself and spun a new tale for her to believe.

These words would have no power over my past and what has been done but, it does have the magick to take away the power my past has over me.  From this new memory I can build up my new days with a memory of encouragement, hope, strength and profound love.

I was blessed to feel and offer this to my own sons as they were being raised.  Holding both or one or the other in my arms and whispering all of the joys I hope they get to experience one day. Love, a new job, a home of their own, travel, adventure and all of this in whatever manner that makes them the happiest.  I feel blessed to have my sons, and they continue to be a source of pride and joy even now when they are men.

My mother was truly overwhelmed by the time I came along.  I am the fourth child of seven, raised in a lower class family.  My parents had only just moved us all into the house I was to have as my childhood home, so there was tons of unpacking and such that needed to be done as well, and my father worked and worked and worked to pay for the simple things we had in our lives.   I’m sure she [mom] had very high aspirations at one time for all of us but those words were never shared with me if so.  In that vision I also took the time to see my mom for the woman she was at that time.  Tired, overwrought with emotion, overworked at home, inundated with the constant noise and movement of 3 ambulatory children and my preemie newborn self.  Her own mother offered nothing of assistance, but if she did it must have barely made a dent in the time my mom needed to regroup her own spirit.  And in that scene I offered my mom peace. In my last moments before I left, I put the sleeping baby in the crib, step over to my mom and her tired eyes and hug this woman who so desperately wants only to sleep.  It’s ok mom, sleep.  I got this now.

~In memory of my mom

False Starts and New Ones

puddlesToo often we make resolutions to change something about ourselves, and never do them. However – life has a way of pushing you over that cliff that you’ve been edging.

This year (actually it began in November) I resolved to accomplish many things – namely rebuilding me.

Yes, we all hear about mid-life crisis but what happens when you are in mid-life demolition/restructuring? There comes a time in your life where you look at everything …and I mean EVERYTHING with a finer toothed comb. Not innane things like what car you drive or even what job title you have – but more important things like, are you happy with your job? Does your work satisfy you at the end of the day? Is this what your plan looked like 5 years ago?

How about more philanthropic questions like: Are you doing enough for your community? Do you know who your neighbors are? What about the education level of your town? How many homeless do you have living there? etc.

And for me the deepest challenges – my faith: Am I practicing my faith daily? Do I seek activities that will expand my soul and do the work needed for the Greater Work? How am I being useful?

For me – life has had its moments of challenge and pauses. Deaths, marriages, relocation, unemployment, familial issues, etc. And I have been the good daughter, mother, wife, employee (sorta on that last one)…all of which have aided me in becoming the woman I am today. But now – my mother has passed on, my father is able bodied and living with siblings, my sons have moved out and are standing firmer on their two feet and my wife and I (now married as of May, 2013) are looking to enrich our lives. …and I am looking to enrich my own.

So in November I applied and was accepted into an Esoteric School to re-explore my faith and see it from a new perspective. I’m taking on challenges to grow daily and …to avoid my own lethargy.

I’m sorting out the parts of myself that were and should be but are not any longer and the parts the are and should be severed forever. This is a pretty big project. Its easy to see what you let go of while being a responsible adult. Its hard to see what you need to let go of that is holding you back.

At the Winter Solstice – I was delighted to attend the annual Yule Ritual with the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel (my old tradition). The feelings experienced were not ones of pain or sorrow, as had been my past – rather – it was one of shedding and opening new spaces for light and growth and hope! Hope. After that ritual, I’ve found a new vocabulary and blessedly, a new patience that I had been lacking. It has been immensely helpful.

And lastly – I’m writing my Bucket List. The official one (not one of those meme kinds). They even have a website for this sort of thing! http://www.bucketlist.net/ It’s kinda cool to think that others are attempting similar things in life. I’ve even set up a “tribe” to learn 2 languages!

2014 and new resolutions may be passé, but for me – its a chance to really try and make good on a few key promises my child self made to me long ago.

Let the jumping in the puddles begin!