Sometimes even in our attempts to make others happy – we make them sad.
Sometimes in others attempts to show they are sad – they become angry.
Sometimes I get angry and sad too.
What this all boils down to is I have a perpencity to do:
- give too much
- talk too much
- show my love too much
And by doing these – I make others feel (shaking head in uncertainty here) …less about themselves, confused, upset, angry, sad…something that does not show up as positive.
And this reaction to me – doesn’t go over as well as I would like.
Sometimes I show my emotions and my confusion. How can someone being nice make another upset? And sometimes I just shut up.
In those moments – the world is far far away from me. I feel it to be uncompromising, unfeeling and controlling of me.
Now I’ve done some reading on this. I was in a failed marriage with one woman with whom I ironically attended our marriage counseling sessions – by myself. The counselor thought it best I no longer attend after several months of seeing me. Her statement was, “you know Jen…this usually works best when there are two of you here.”
Well – from those sessions I have a small library of books that were recommended to me.
Please do not misunderstand me – I am in no way saying that I know what the hell I’m doing when it comes to relationships. Nope. In moments of miscommunication, distance, emotional upheaval, etc. that occur in my relationships – when I start talking about Imago or David Schnarch – its only as a parrot or a student reciting a lesson. I KNOW these methods are good to use …they even work! But at times….ya know….you just stop pulling the punches in your words or you stop listening or you stop …everything — sex, talking, being in the same room together, recognizing there is another person there, etc..
I have to say in those moments…it sucks firstly…that’s a given. But for me – I panic! I mean I absolutely panic.
Here is this person I love/adore/worship/care about/etc. and in that moment I do not like them at all. All sorts of negative tongue lashings come springing into my nasty little mind. Not to draw blood but to sting….really hard.
…And then…I breathe.
I remember my lessons. I recite my homework (edited and personalized a bit):
- Speak through love.
- Be honest.
- Be you.
- Let them be them.
- Is it the past that is the problem or the present?
- Live through love.
I don’t always do these things gracefully.
Hell – sometimes I don’t even do these things well …or even at all!
But know this…if you feel at the end of a resolution that you’ve not said your fill, or you still have something nasty to say about the others behavior or comments, or you don’t feel like the other person or you are happy completely with the resolution …then you’ve resolved nothing and this bad boy is gonna come back and bite you in the ass in a day or two. Mark my words. I have the teeth marks on my ass to prove it.
So when in a huff – don’t fly out of the room, don’t yell and scream, don’t use tears to get your way, and don’t insinuate what you don’t know…just breathe instead. Center yourself. And the next time you open your mouth – say it through love.
If they get it …good.
If they don’t get it….you have some decision making to do.
Oh and just for the record, so I don’t have ya’ll biting your fingernails or anything…my girl totally gets it. 🙂